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Swede

stranded for seven days

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My crew (Mrs Swede) dropped me off at my cabin where I have to SURVIVE for seven days. I will only have my cell phone (no charger) gps, six pic lighters, one can of charcoal lighter fuel, food, water, coffee, sugar, coffee creamer, salt and pepper, sleeping bag, air mattress, battery powered air mattress filler, micro wave, tv, propane gas heater, gas stove, refridgerator, and a small amount of electric power.

First I have to unlock the door on my shelter and get a fire going in the gas heater. I only have a very few local tv channels here so I will have to SURVIVE with that. I will have to start thinking about food soon because its been a few hours since Ive eaten anything and if you dont eat "YOU WILL DIE"!!!

I will have to try to get a fire going in my fire pit and cook my t bone steak on my grill. I realize I dont have much for desert but Im forced to SURVIVE with what I have. I will be doing just that after I take a short nap on my screened in porch.

It will be dark soon and I can tell what time it is by holding my hand out at arms length and looking at the clock on my micro wave. I better make my bed to be prepared for the long rough night ahead without any porn channels on the tv.

This is the end of day one. I sure miss my family(especially Mrs Swede who tucks me in at night).If I SURVIVE tonight I will report on day two tomorrow.

SURVIVOR GUY

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Guest taken by the wind...

~ OMG! Swede... good luck dude. 8|

 

:D :salute:

 

be sure to take video!

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Guest Lead Dog

:D  :D  :D

 

Good luck, Survivor Guy!  I hope you have a personal homing beacon for the SAR team to locate you if things go bad and you get lost in the cabin!

 

 

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Man you are one tough dude with some serious guts.  I don't think I would be able to handle what you are putting yourself through.  I personally wouldn't blame you if you called it off.  That is too much for anyone to handle.  But you are a true survivalist and I know you will rise to this challenge.  Good luck!

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Guest HazeyWolf

It's been nice knowin' ya, bud... (look out for the Squatchies!)

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Guest taken by the wind...

~ Swede? (I mean Survivor Guy) How are you man? It's been a while... I was worried. Are you there? How's it going without the porn channels?

 

Let me know if you need me to call you up and talk dirty to you! :naughty: :woot: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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Guest taken by the wind...

~ Oh yeah, Swede! pay attention to Hazeywolf... remember Woodsman's run-in with Big Foot's older Sister...?  :P

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Oh my well thanks anyway Taken that would add a whole new meaning to the word bushwacker. :woot:

Besides I wouldnt want to cut in on Super Squirrels time you know how he gets without his daily session. :blushing:

Ill think about your offer towards the end of the week. :P

By then I should get excited when the wind blows. :yes:

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8| Swede I hate to mention this but.... in your list of stuff you forgot TP!!!!!  Now stay calm and look around!!  Think!!!  Look around!!!  Do you see any TP???

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TP oh yah theres some in the bathroom but I saw a spider in there eeeeeuuuuuuue. I think its one of those kabong spiders. They bite you and you go KABONG 8| :'(

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Day two

Well it was a loooong night last night. First I was hot then I was cold I just couldnt get the gas heater adjusted just right. I finally stripped nakid and turned the heater up. I always like to find a way of getting nakid on my seven day SURVIVAL outings so I can film myself and my nakid butt. I know mine isnt as magnificent as Big Pinks but I try to make up for it with shear mass.(thats right mass of the ass)Although little Swede must be enjoyng the fresh air and was UP early this morning so filming has made for some bigger problems.

Im not used to this small microwave I have in my shelter so morning coffee was absoulutly tepid adding to the brutal conditions of my seven day SURVIVAL. Especially when you put instant coffee in a microwave. I think I entered a space time continuum and had dejavous all over again. 

 

I really missed my family especially Mrs Swede  because Im used to hearing her snore like a coal miner and I just realized theres no one to do the dishes or fix my breakfast. 

 

Today Im faced with finding that spider I saw in the toilet eweeeuuuuu. I hope I find him soon as things are getting backed up if you know what I mean.If you dont poop "YOU WILL DIE"

 

I think I heard Puyssyfoot last night but I cant be sure it might have been those mushrooms I found yeaterday. The last time I tried them if you remember I woke up engaged to a sheep named Lucy.That Dam HazeyWolf introduced me to them and I should have known better look what it has done to him. 8|

 

Anyway I miss every one terribly and wish you were here with me (especially Holly and Taken) heh heh :woot:

 

Well Im going for a 200 yard hike today and see if I can find some more of those mushrooms so Ill talk to you all if I get back.

 

Survivor Guy

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Guest Lead Dog

:D :D :D

 

This is awesome!  Survivor Guy should have his own blog!

 

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Guest taken by the wind...

~ Swede... I appreciate that you would like Holly and I to be there, but there's no way we could ever "rough" it like you are doing. I seriously don't know how you have survived this long. Holly (I know) would have perished after having had to drink "tepid" coffee... even once! While I would have wilted away swiftly with no one to make breakfast, or do the dishes...

 

My GOD man... how have you been able to make it? Even your being up early this morning could have never revived us...

 

no matter how hard you tried... it would not have had an effect in those horrid conditions...

 

There's no way even Super Squirrel would have stayed ( having seen the KABONG Spider.)

 

You are indeed a rare breed, Survivor Guy... and our thoughts are with you dude!

 

Godspeed Swede... only time will tell. Nobody's ever been through something like this!

 

NOBODY! :P

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Thanks Taken for those words of encoragement. Its a dirty job but I owe it to my small but super sensitive fans. Which brings me to this sad and heart breaking story.

 

I had to kill a mouse in my shelter today. I know this is a tragic heart breaking event but I felt I had to beat this gentle little creature to death to keep him from defacating in my sugar.( I found some feces in my coffee cup after I drank the coffee) I would like to take this time to explain while I dont condone the  slaughter of innocent animals sometimes in the case of SURVIVAL it becomes necessary.

 

Secondly but not the least tragic event today was the total deflation of my inflatable party doll. Although Wendy (thats what I call it) has been a close companion of mine for years Im afraid it has gotten one too many holes in it to be of any use.It will be sorely missed. :cry:

 

Its getting late here. I take my watch and point it towards a window and look out side and see the sun has gone down.A little trick Bigblue showed me. Man that guy knows everything. :thumbsup:

 

Because I try to keep my adventures family frendly I wont go into the details about my thoughts of my family tonight so in closeing I can only say get your rest while Im away Mrs Swede your going to need it. :woot:

 

Survivor Guy

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Its getting late here. I take my watch and point it towards a window and look out side and see the sun has gone down.A little trick Bigblue showed me. Man that guy knows everything. :thumbsup:

 

Survivor Guy

 

 

Aaaaa soooo Grasshopper. You have learned well.  :arigato: :arigato:

 

For your next lesson I want you to slowly, gracefully make a tight fist with your right hand. Then, using the power of chi that courses thru your body, extend your right arm out that window - quickly, deftly, silently. Now, when your arm is at full extension...and your palm facing the night sky, begin to unfurl the fingers of your clenched fist. NOTE: this part of the exercise is not a power move, elegance and grace are key!!. Your fingers should effortlessly fall open like the petals of the Fragrant Water Lilly (Nymphaea ordorata) opening to catch the gentle morning sunlight.

 

Now...... wait...... hold that position for the count of 30 Mississippi.

 

Here's the critical phaze: If, during that count of 30 Mississippi, your hand began to mysteriously get wet.... slowely, little by little, ..... or possibly instantaniously as if under a waterfall.......

 

Its raining.  8|

 

Yup!! Rain. You now have the long-lost, ancient skill of being able to tell if its raining. Practice this skill. We will meet again when the air is cold and I will teach you how to tell if its snowing..... by using your tongue!!

 

Survive on Swede-man...... Survive on.........

 

 

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Ah so wise man I will remember your words of wisdom always. These things are only from those who have lived the life of the SURVIVOR.

May the force be with you.

 

Survivor Guy :pray:

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Swede, I came across an interesting bit of information that may save your party doll.  It's two four-letter words:

 

"Duct Tape"

 

Hope this helps.

 

Love, Holly.

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Guest Lead Dog

Survivor Guy, glad you opted for a computer as opposed to all that heavy camera equipment.  It keeps us informed of your survival techniques and gives you the option of ordering a new "friend" online if the duct tape doesn't work out.

 

Keep up the good work!  I want to learn all of your skills and one day begin my own survival odyssey.

 

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Well its day three now and Im really feeling the pressure to Survive with out porn and my party doll. I tried the duct tape Holly suggested but half way through (well how can I say this) BOOM coitus interuptis. :cry: This is just another set back adding to the inhuman brutal conditions Im faced with out here. Its only my conviction to my loyal fans (two) that keeps me going.

 

Im running out of paper plates so Im face with another daunting task of doing the dishes. Maybe when my crew(Mrs Swede) brings me some beer that I can get her to do them for me. Remember my leg has a bone in it making it difficult for me to accomplish that task.I might be one of the first handcapped SURVIVOR GUYS to accomplish three days of this type of SURVIVAL.

 

Im thinking of my next adventure while Im doing this one. It has been suggested by one of my loyal fans to attempt a SURVIVAL in Chicago. Although I have cousins living there that could provide me with a shelter I dont think I would even try such dangerous outing.I dont have anything against Chichago its just that there are too many houses and people there.Seems to me to be an awfully large number of each there for some reason. I have no idea why anyone would even try to SURVIVE there.You have to be driving sixty miles an hour just to leave your own driveway. 8|

 

It was another Loooong night last night trying to get comfortable on my air bed. I turned up the heater too much and this morning it had turned me bright pink. Further more I spotted a squirrel hole in the crotch of a tree near my cabin and its starting to look pretty good at this point.

I think Ill use my cell phone later to try one of those 900 numbers. :naughty:

 

Its getting close to noon here. I placed a stick in the ground and followed the shadow to where it was pointing straight north where I had placed my watch and it read 12 o-clock.I gotta remember to wind that sucker later today. :yes:

 

If I SURVIVE another day Ill keep you posted as to my progress.

 

Survivor Guy

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Guest taken by the wind...

~ :whistle:   :wave: well, have fun with those 900 numbers Swede! Sometimes even duct tape can't hold a woman together! LOL!

I am glad you got some beer though...

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Day four is winding down and there has been a significant change in the weather. Im going to have to start worrying about hypothermia if I leave the cabin er I mean shelter. Its been raining here and getting cold. The birds I feed here have been really pouring in hitting the feeders. This has caused quite a tragic problem.

 

I tried Bigblues method of testing for snow with my tongue. While I admit I used to do this as a kid it has been a long time since I tried this method and I know I didn't complete the training from Bigblue. So as I stood there with my tongue sticking out a bird pooped right on my tongue. I knew instantly that it was NOT snow. I can remember what snow tasted like and this was definitely NOT snow.EWEEEEEUUUUU :scared:

 

Food is getting scarce now as Im down to a few dozen eggs a loaf of bread some bacon two t bones five pounds of potatoes a few sorted can goods and a twelve pack of beer.Rationing is going to be necessary Im afraid.Its going to be too cold to grill outdoors from my shelter so Im forced to pan fry and microwave.

 

Im losing contact with the outside world now as my cell phone has went dead. Im beginning to think those 900 number girls just want to keep you on the line for as long as they can just to make money. I don't think they really care about you at all. 8|

 

I tried to make fire with a fire bow today. I didn't have a bow so I put the dowel in my driver drill and set it on high speed and I got lots of smoke but no fire so I squirted some lighter fluid on it and that's when the explosion occurred. I lost some hair on my arms and from the front of my head and  both eyebrows but I should be all right as soon as I can regain my hearing.This is a good lesson for all you little fans out there be careful with making fire or "YOU WILL DIE" :ninja:

 

Well that is the end of day four and if I SURVIVE I will see you tomorrow. :wave:

 

Survivor Guy.

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