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Heard any good ones lately

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An elderly man in Illinois had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

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:rofl:  Whooohoooo!  :naughty:  Now, I just gotta work out a way to build a pond in the backyard!  Of course, it may not be worth it if a few of my neighbors showed up.....ewwww!  :scared:

 

 

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A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to poop yourself when I tell you the price."

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A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he reached the second branch and, finally, after a fourth

night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Management Lesson:

Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 8|

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Liquid Plummer

Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

 

Windex

Do not spray in eyes.

 

Bowl Fresh

Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

 

Toilet Plunger

Caution: Do not use near power lines.

 

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool

This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

 

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter

Safe to use around pets.

 

Endust Duster

This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

 

Baby Oil

Keep out of reach of children

 

Little Ones Baby Lotion

Keep away from children

 

Hair Coloring

Do not use as an ice cream topping.

 

Wet-Nap

Directions: Tear open packet and use.

 

 

Stridex Foaming Face Wash

May contain foam.

 

Beach Ball

CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.

 

Chainsaw

Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

 

Sears hairdryer:

Do not use while sleeping.

 

Bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

 

Bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

 

Swann frozen dinners:

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

 

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:

Fits one head.

 

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)

Do not turn upside down.

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A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?'' '

'This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

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Two guys decide to try their luck at deer hunting.

One manages to bag a buck

They dont know what to do next so they each grab a hind leg and start dragging the deer back to their truck

Another hunter stops them and says "you know if you pull the buck by his antlers it will pull easier because the hair points backwards and it will slide better"

The guys look the hair over and decide that would be a good idea so they grab the antlers and start dragging.

One says you know it does drag a lot easier this way.

The other guy says "ya but were getten farther from the truck"!

(place drum roll here)

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News article>

 

The five K run for your favorite charity finally got under way today after several false starts from gun fire from a local high school.

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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He aid "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No s#*t

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An avon sales lady gets on an elevator and accidently lets a fart so she takes out a can of pine scent air spray and sprays the air.

 

The elevator stops at the next floor and a drunk staggers on. The door shuts and he says WOO it smells like somebody just s#*t a Christmas tree. :woot:

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Guest taken by the wind...

~  :rofll: :woot: :rofl:

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A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

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It's 2009 and Hilary Clinton has just been elected President.  On her first night in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.  She asks him, "What should I do to be a great President?"  Washington answers, "Never tell a lie."

 

Hillary says, "Oh well, that doesn't suit me."

 

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.  She asks him the same question, and his reply is, "Listen to what the people have to say."

 

Hillary says, "No, I don't think so."

 

The third night Hillary is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.  She asks him, "What should I do to be a good President?" 

 

Lincoln asnwers her, "Go to the theater..."      :hugegrin:

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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

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I can't wait for the next episode to come out.  Did you notice in the episode where he's checking his messages he did the Bush thing... "I have a plan and I'm staying the course."  Too funny! :roolling:

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