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A cowboy walked into a bar and was surprised to see that it was empty, except for the bartender behind the bar.  The cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

 

The bartender said, "Well, I reckon they're all a watchin' the hangin'."

 

"Who's getting hanged?" asked the cowboy.

 

"Brown Paper Pete." replied the bartender.

 

The cowboy said, "Brown Paper Pete?  Who's he?"

 

And the bartender said, "You know Brown Paper Pete!  That old cowboy who walks around in a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt and brown paper pants."

 

"Well, what are they hangin' him for?" asked the cowboy.

 

"Rustlin" replied the bartender.

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A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in West Virginia recently with two ice chests of fish. 

 

He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

 

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

 

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

 

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

 

"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."

 

"That's A Bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden

 

The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,

"It's the truth Mr.Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

 

"Ok," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"

 

The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

 

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

 

"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.

 

The Game warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

 

The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"

 

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

 

"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.

 

Folks in West Virginia may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they aren't as dumb as most government employees

 

 

 

 

 

 

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O/T Tom's dilemma...

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

 

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

 

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

 

"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

 

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you."

 

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'."

 

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

 

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

 

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too..."

 

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

 

"Don't much matter............just gonna be the two of us."

 

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The Top 100 Things I'd Do

If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

 

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,

not face-concealing ones.

 

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

 

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept

anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

 

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

 

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the

Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons

of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to

the object which is my one weakness.

 

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

 

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill

me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll

say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then

say "No."

 

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately

in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks'

time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

 

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely

necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button

labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not

Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough

to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be

labelled as such.

 

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small

hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

 

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to

prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker

enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

 

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws

in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before

implementation.

 

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds

of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of

the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any

accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the

aforementioned disposal.

 

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any

other form of last request.

 

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find

that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to

activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting

his plan into operation.

 

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just

one thing I want to know."

 

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their

advice.

 

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt

to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal

distraction at a crucial point in time.

 

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was

evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray

her own father.

 

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in

maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected

developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to

accordingly.

 

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms

for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that

make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage

Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to

have a more positive mind-set.

 

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I

will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

 

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops

in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my

power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons

useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages

armed with spears and rocks.

 

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and

weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at

least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM

INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

 

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort

of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small

and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

 

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there

is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill

me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to

my bedchamber.

 

I will never build only one of anything important. All important

systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For

the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons

at all times.

 

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot

escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

 

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies

into confusion.

 

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly

thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will

surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of

comic relief.

 

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with

surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected

reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

 

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad

news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are

hard to come by.

 

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to

wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual

dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will

be reserved for formal occasions.

 

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

 

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look

diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of

Generation X.

 

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,

let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep

the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out

copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

 

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a

battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

 

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring

anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead

of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance

towards me in my old age.

 

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at

the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my

opposite number among his army.

 

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable

superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead

of keeping it in reserve.

 

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel

devices.

 

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,

ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying

ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

 

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the

beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good

looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on

my plans.

 

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work

for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the

odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

 

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible

for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I

will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price

for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

 

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one

man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

 

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I

will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for

him to mature.

 

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology

with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it

will not immediately come after me for revenge.

 

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,

I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send

them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the

local paper.

 

My main computers will have their own special operating system that

will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh

powerbooks.

 

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the

conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately

transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

 

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to

examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned

tunnels that I might not know about.

 

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!

Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

 

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to

double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

 

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in

my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important

covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if

there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less

attention.

 

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who

cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for

target practice.

 

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will

carefully read the owner's manual.

 

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose

dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

 

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

 

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any

code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30

seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

 

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad

scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies

them.

 

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding

structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a

firefight.

 

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And

they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going

through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

 

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely

unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be

a disadvantage.

 

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals,

the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked

as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber.

The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow

Containment.

 

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who

watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for

fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that

sequence will trigger the alarm system.

 

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be

instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-

scale emergency.

 

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is

only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer

is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd

better save my life again.

 

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be

delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in

foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of

the wild.

 

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always

travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one

of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will

immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of

quizzically peering around a corner.

 

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should

be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen

standing by in case the answer is no.

 

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and

begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of

using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

 

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged

contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them

to win.

 

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that

my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will

not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my

desk.

 

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,

instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack

one or two at a time.

 

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and

struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will

also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-

bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

 

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the

chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain

enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of

earshot before making the offer.

 

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"

The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably

practical."

 

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon

as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-

edition commemorative coins.

 

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my

best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones

as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

 

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed

him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and

drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning

around to find out what he saw.

 

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front

of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced

structure.

 

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then

have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for

both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with

him.

 

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the

opposite sex.

 

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly

complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar

then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead

it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

 

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly

grounded.

 

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also,

I will not construct walkways above them.

 

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate

them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task

again.

 

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately

disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds

the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I

took it from him.

 

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is

facing away from the door.

 

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and

obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current

entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

 

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.

Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new

insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me

alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to

the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this

regard.)

 

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling

who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is

scheduled to go first.

 

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and

grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

 

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with

bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate

tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team

instead of opening up the cell for a look.

 

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control

panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on

the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

 

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain

reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

 

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully

monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate,

I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together

against their will and they spend all their time bickering and

criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when

they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of

sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

 

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

 

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,

I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

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Further Things To Do As An Evil Overlord

 

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is

destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

 

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident --

I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe

it.

 

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy";

I simply choose not show them any.

 

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as

members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear

military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

 

I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad

scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently

twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage

he's caused.

 

If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately

flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from

there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum

to attempt this.

 

Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I

will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough

that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good

structural reason.

 

Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a

secondary character who has given up his/her life through self

sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

 

I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and

with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument

in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the

secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the

citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

 

I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party

getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

 

I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or

being executed.

 

I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be

neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

 

I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While

elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,

they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

 

I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

 

I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are

dead.

 

If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay

with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of

explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

 

No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an

underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

 

If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not

be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally

falling on when fatally wounded.

 

I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in

his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy

henchmen instead.

 

Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic

math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one

more shot than the standard issue.

 

If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by

the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

 

The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they

may direct fire inward or at each other.

 

If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public,

contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave

their beards before entering.

 

Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work

for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has

neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk

anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same

field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

 

Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-

proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls

converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes

prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point

or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's

demise.

 

Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can

easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys

to throw him off track.

 

Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of

tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty.

The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from

any other source will result in execution.

 

I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any

possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs

are externally mounted and easily removable.

 

Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight

each other in the arena.

 

All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored

uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the

uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

 

I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

 

Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a

thorough background investigation and security clearance.

 

If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been

associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable,

but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the

next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

 

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a

small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up

along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to

climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly

behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite

useful.)

 

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device

called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at

the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I

will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

 

If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has

to be deactivated and make every wire red.

 

Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or

other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if

there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra

budget.

 

The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with

fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be

lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

 

If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate,

then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts

anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the

foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the

napalm.)

 

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to

look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the

prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the

chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above

the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take

it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and

poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

 

As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of

children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be

a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's

attempts to win the hero.

 

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my

three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero

enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is

necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an

explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to

pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all,

small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and

it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

 

If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly

defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national

holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This

will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at

least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when

they are holding a parade in his honor.

 

I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero

so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also,

I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot

jump out of the way.

 

My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add

to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and

a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

 

If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships

found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately

vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

 

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted,

trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will

be awarded posthumously.

 

Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me

that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the

schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

 

Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open

windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of

the ceiling.

 

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic

weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited

to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

 

I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved

for my trusted lieutenant.

 

I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to

accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

 

My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer.

Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will

keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

 

I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In

particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone

shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the

identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

 

If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any

circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

 

If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my

Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are

available.

 

Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date

the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not

worry too much if they get stolen.

 

I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my

folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes

the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

 

If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an

odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run

like hell.

 

Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits

will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to

recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

 

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a

rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a

giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

 

If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on

public display.

 

When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that

does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near

the rebel camp.

 

I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but

make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to

capture the hero.

 

As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-

impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with

someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips

instead of sending all of them out of the room.

 

If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did

so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

 

If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my

choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's

largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-

year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the

brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

 

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are

captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up

while I decide his fate.

 

If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many

precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-

scans and firewalls.

 

I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and

oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular

group that will form the core of a rebellion.

 

I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location

where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling

down from above.

 

I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That

way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch

out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his

shift.

 

Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's

rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he

blames the hero.

 

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down

to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him

to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my

fortress and order his execution.

 

I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the

dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide

valuable information once placated.

 

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from

swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure

out when someone has entered in this fashion.

 

If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to

work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to

pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

 

If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he

says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't

expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a

step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon

trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything

was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

 

I will not outsource core functions.

 

If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I

will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

 

I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any

wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will

be set on fire.

 

I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle

walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the

road in the festival pavilion.

 

Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body,

I will install a surge suppressor.

 

I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of

mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone

sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

 

If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic

little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all

personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

 

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the

hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at

him then leaving him to his own devices.

 

I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good

PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

 

I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal

projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any

city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

 

I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll

never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are,

that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.

 

If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my

Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to

complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta

version.

 

I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is

nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes

trouble with the EEOC.

 

If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform

her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

 

If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her

at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will

focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love

held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak,

slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no

bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

 

I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in

my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

 

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use

them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking

them.

 

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my

fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge

me.

 

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons

and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero

or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

 

I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed

strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one

needs to know.

 

I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such

a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will

make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then

double-cross them in their moment of glory.

 

During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to

lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be

required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

 

All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be

fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

 

All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts,

permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty

well destroy their credibility.

 

I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

 

I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in

keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will

come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light

source.

 

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any

alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to

the dungeon.

 

When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on

foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

 

Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use

provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet.

Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their

station unmonitored will be shot.

 

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity

Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and

courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in

sowing chaos and destruction.

 

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a

faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am

absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can

still date.

 

All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep

track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam

about my fortress are actually plotting.

 

If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned

in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

 

I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons

against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

 

I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold

fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in

doors or tripped over during an escape.

 

If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular

quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality

immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results.

(Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's

girlfriend.)

 

If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy

one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the

market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but

whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find

that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

 

If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly

withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to

assassinate the hero.

 

If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his

former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all

alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine,

I will politely decline the offer.

 

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power

is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a

hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for

study.

 

I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to

strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not

even be considered for the job.

 

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For

example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and

flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In

the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my

face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

 

My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they

generate.

 

I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little

too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not

at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these

incompetent fools?!"

 

I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the

room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

 

I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than

wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a

chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge

protectors".

 

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the

front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes

little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

 

 

(All found on Evil Overlord Inc (eviloverlord.com))

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This is my favorite!

 

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my

three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero

enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is

necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an

explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to

pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all,

small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and

it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

 

 

 

happy097.gif

 

 

 

 

And I will add this one:

 

 

When I am Evil Overlord, I will NOT use over-complicated, devious methods of torturous death to dispose of the hero.   They ALWAYS escape.  Instead I will simply shoot him in the head......twice.

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When Ive got the hero captured I will go ahead and kill him and not set up a complicated plot of slow death and than leave while he is still alive. They ALWAYS get loose and get away.    :nono:

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Instead I will simply shoot him in the head......twice.

 

Then decapitate the body and burn the head and body in two separate fires.

 

(OK...it could be a vampire....it could!!)

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When Ive got the hero captured I will go ahead and kill him and not set up a complicated plot of slow death and than leave while he is still alive. They ALWAYS get loose and get away.

 

 

Hmmm....a "The Princess Bride" watcher....hmmmm.                        B)

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THREE THINGS TO PONDER

> 1. Cows

> 2. The Constitution

> 3. The Ten Commandments

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> C O W S

> Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that

> during the mad cow

> epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in

> Canada almost

> three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state

> of

> Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are

> unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

> Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

> They keep talking

> about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just

> give them ours? It

> was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked

> for over 200 years,

> and we're not using it anymore.

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

> The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a

> courthouse is this:

> You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"

> "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,"

> and "Thou Shall Not Lie"

> in a building full of lawyers, judges and

> politicians...It creates a hostile

> work environment

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A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet Parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

 

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrives and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

 

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

 

The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

 

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon.

 

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother"

 

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid b-tch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She

tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat @ss downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

 

The cab driver hit a parked car...

 

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

 

The first man had married a woman from Texas and told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man had married a girl from Kentucky. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

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Redneck Marketing

 

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

 

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

 

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

 

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

 

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex.

 

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

 

The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time."

 

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

 

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."

 

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Joe had been having headaches for many years and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.

 

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that, it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

 

Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

 

He walked down the street; he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

 

He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, "Let's see, size 44 long."

 

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

 

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the

mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

 

Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "Sure."

 

The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck."

 

Joe was surprised, "That's right; how did you know?"

 

"Told ya... been in the business 60 years."

 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

 

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

 

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha, I got you on this one - I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second opinion - PRICELESS

 

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CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: October 01, 2007

 

RE: Christmas Party

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

 

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

 

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

 

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over

$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

 

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

 

Patty

 

********************* ******************************

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: October 02, 2007

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

 

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

 

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

 

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.

 

We will have other types of music. Happy now?

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

 

Patty

*****************************************************

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: October 03, 2007

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

 

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

 

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

*****************************************************

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

To: All Employees

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

 

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

 

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, e ach will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower

arrangement for the Gay men's table.

 

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

 

We will have booster seats for short people.

 

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

 

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

 

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

 

Did I miss anything?!?!?

 

Patty

 

 

************************************************

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All F****** Employees

 

DATE: October 05, 2007

 

RE: The F****** Holiday Party

 

Vegetarian pr&cks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including

organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

 

Drive drunk and die,

 

The bi#(& from HELL!!!!!!!!

 

*********************************************

 

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

 

DATE: October 06, 2007

 

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery

and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,

management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the

afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Joan

 

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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

 

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

 

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 

"1955, ma'am."

 

"Well, there you are.. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

 

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

 

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

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THE LAW IS THE LAW

 

So if the US government determines that it is against the !

 

law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then,

 

so be it.

 

And if that same government decides that the

 

"Ten Commandments"

 

are not to be used in or on a

 

government installation, then,

 

so be it.

 

I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a

 

law abiding US citizen.

 

I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that

 

smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

 

I would like to think that those people have the

 

American public's best interests at heart.

 

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

 

 

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His

Commandments in Government buildings , I don't believe the Government

and its

 

employees should participate in the

 

Easter and Christmas

 

celebrations which honor the God

 

that our government

 

is eliminating from many facets of American life.

 

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving &

Easter. After all, it's just another day.

 

I'd like the " US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good

Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as

 

well as Sundays." After all, it's just another day.

 

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives

 

to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After

all it's just another day.

 

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all

government offices & services would

 

work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter It shouldn't cost any overtime

since those would be just like any other

 

day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically

correct."

 

 

 

In fact....

 

 

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside

for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that

 

it should be just another day....

 

What do you all think????

 

 

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected

 

officials will stop giving in to the "minority opinions"

 

and begin, once again, to represent the "majority"

 

of ALL of the American people.

 

SO BE IT..........

 

 

Please Dear Lord,

Give us the help needed to keep you in our country!

 

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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by

a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

 

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

 

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"

 

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."

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I think this country is looking for one with a little less crap right now.    :yes:    Or should be anyway    :/

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