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Swede

Heard any good ones lately

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I loved the part where Jesus is looking at the picture of him on the cross. :rofll: :rofll:

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This one is good enough for here. :rofl:

Submitted by MrCoffee

Too funny...

 

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in

line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

 

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting

The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended

up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I

awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my

orifices and IVs in both arms. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head.

 

I went on and on with the diet story. I told her that it was an easy,

inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or

purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel

hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was

going to try it again.

 

Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,

particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something

in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the

hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt

when a car hit me.

 

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door

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The CAT:

 

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

You don't even have to like them to appreciate this one!!

 

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.  We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

 

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.  The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.  We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

 

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

 

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that

the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi

driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say

goodbye to my mother."

 

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

 

 

 

The cab driver hit a parked car....

 

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A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said.

"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.

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In a recent study I was reading, it turns out that medical testing facilities are now going to use lawyers as test subjects instead of laboratory rats. The study was based on three presmises:

 

1. There are more lawyers than rats.

 

2. The lab technicians were becoming affectionate towards the rats.

 

3. There's just some things that rats won't do.

 

 

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The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006:

 

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[hmm!]

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

 

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Do they ever read what they write?]

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

[i can see where it might have that effect!]

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?!]

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought!]

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police

Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they fat enough?!]

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken?]

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]

 

And the winner is....

 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that sign right?

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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.

One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.

For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!

 

Sounds like Holly and Taken in a few years dont it. :P

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:roolling: :cheers: :clap: :clap: :clap:

 

I can't help it, that's the funniest one yet!  Kudos, Sweedie-Pie!  :woot: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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Swede, I sent your joke to my group of girlfriends here in Charlotte.  Here's what my friend Sara had to say to the group...

 

"When I finished reading that joke, I could hear Holly's boisterous laugh inside my head"  :)

 

Gee, do I have a boisterous laugh?  :whistle:  :woot:  :rofl:

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Guest taken by the wind...

 

~ Swede? What do mean it sounds like Holly and I in a few years? :whistle: Who do you think wrote that joke? LOL! :woot: :rofl: :rofl: Holly, I knew that moment would make a great joke! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:  

 

Now' here's one for you OLD men! LOL!

 

An old man walks into a bar and calls the bartender over. What do you want, Sir? ..The old man says Ill make a bet with you! The bartender says what kind of bet the old man says. I bet you $20 I can bit my own ass. The bartender says OK; Ill take that bet. The old man pulls his dentures out and reaches back and bites him self on the ass. Well the bartender gets up sets. The old man tells the bartender dont worry Ill give you a chance to win your money back Ill bet you $40 that I can bit my own eye! . The bartender upset says your not going to pull your teeth out are you? The old man says Nope. The bartender says. Well OK. The old man pops out his fake eye and bits down on it. . The bartender gets really pissed now and walks away. . Later the old man walks up to the bar and calls the bartender over and says I feel really bad about what I did and I want to make it up to you. The bartender reluctantly asked how? The old man say I bet you I can stand at the end of your bar and piss in that shot glass all the way at the other end of your bar? . The bartender thinks about it for a bit thinking theres no way. So he agrees. The old man climbs up onto the bar and drops his pants. As the old man trys all he does is piss all over everything. The bar, stools and bottles as the bartender laughs his ass off. When the old was done he climbed down and pulled up his pants. The bartender walks up still laughing and picks his money up saying to the old man. I hope you learned your lesson old man. The old man grins a little and leans over to the bartender saying, I did. You see those guys in the corner? I bet them a $1,000.00 I could piss all over your bar and youd just laugh your ass off about it.

 

 

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THE 6 BEST SMART-A** ANSWERS OF 2006

 

 

SMART-A** ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight.

 

 

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

 

 

SMART-A** ANSWER #5

 

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

 

 

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his

trench coat and flashed her.

 

 

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your

stub."

 

 

SMART-A** ANSWER #4

 

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but he

couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

 

 

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

 

SMART-A** ANSWER #3

 

 

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled

down his window.

 

 

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

 

 

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

 

 

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a

ticket.

 

 

SMART-A** ANSWER #2

 

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,

 

 

"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and

he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

 

 

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the

truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The

truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

 

SMART-A** #1 ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

 

 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I

won't tolerate any excuses for you not

being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or

a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but

that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

 

 

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"

 

 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is

restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and

sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other

hand."

 

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True story>

 

A buddy of mine years back was driving a semi for hardies resturants.

 

At the time some of you can remember Hardies had a commercial saying" Hurry on down to Hardies"

 

A state cop stopped him for speeding  he had Hardies written on the side of the trailer. He told the cop he was "hurring on down to hardies" and the cop just gave him a warning ticket instead of a speeding ticket. :woot:

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Hello?"

 

“Hi honey.

This is Daddy

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul”

 

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

“But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul”

 

"Oh yes I have, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now."

 

Brief Pause.

 

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do”

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

 

"I did it Daddy."

 

"And what happened honey?"

 

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

 

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

 

 

***Long Pause***

 

 

 

***Longer Pause***

 

 

 

 

***Even Longer Pause***

 

 

 

 

Then Daddy says,

 

 

"Swimming pool?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is this 211-5555 ?

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*

Online Online

 

Posts: 705

 

 

Keeper of the Flame

 

 

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Re: Campfire talk

« Reply #30199 on: February 16, 2007, 07:26:10 PM »

Reply with quote Modify message Remove message

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

 

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

 

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

 

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

 

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

 

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

 

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

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