Jump to content
WildSurvive Forum
Swede

Heard any good ones lately

Recommended Posts

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”

“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

 

 

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

 

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

 

“The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again.”

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Chinese Bumper Sticker:

I LIKE CATS!

(THEY TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!)

 

 

What is the difference between Recession and Depression?

 

Recession - when your neighbor loses his job.

 

Depression - when you lose your job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:

 

Tourist: $5

 

Broiled Missionary: $10

 

Fried Explorer: $15

 

Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politicians?”

 

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes all morning.”

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Proof of who is your best friend:

This will dispel all rumors...

 

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:

 

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

 

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You might be a wildsurvive member if>

 

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

 

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

 

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

 

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

 

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

 

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

 

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

 

You list your parole officer as a reference.

 

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Seen on a T-shirt at a gaming convention:

 

I Love Cats

 

But I don't think I can eat a whole one by myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Grace University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

 

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

 

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

 

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from Oklahoma State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.

 

He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.”

 

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

 

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.” It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

 

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

 

The professor eventually come to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

 

The Marine calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid things. So, He sent me.”

 

:salute:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.

 

He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.”

 

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

 

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.” It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

 

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

 

The professor eventually come to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

 

The Marine calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid things. So, He sent me.”

 

:salute:

 

Priceless.  Absolutely priceless!! :clap: :rofll:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You might be a Wildsurvive member if>

 

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

 

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

 

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

 

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

 

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

 

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

 

You own a homemade fur coat.

 

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

 

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

 

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office for his annual physical. After the physical, the Doctor asked him to get some sperm for testing.. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back some semen tomorrow."

The Old Man went home and tried with his right and left hand with no results. The Old man than called his wife in to help him. She tried and tried with the same results.

The Wife then suggested they ask the Young/Pretty lady that lived next door. They both went next Door and asked the young girl, who said she would be happy to help. She also tried and tried with the same results.

The next day the 85-year-old man went back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the young lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" to help you get Sperm.

The old man replied, No we asked her to help us open the damn Jar. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An olld bull and a youg bull are standing at the top of a hill looking down on a herd of cows.

The young bull says;"Why don't we run down and have our way with a couple of the cows."

The older bull replies;"Why not walk down and have them all."

 

A mouse and a monkey are sitting at the bar having a few drinks, when in walks a beautiful lady giraffe(sp?)

The mouse turns to the monkey and states that he is going to take her home and have a romp.

The monkey just shrugs it off as drunken bravado.

The mouse runs across the bar to where the giraffe is seated, climbs up to her ear and starts whispering.

After afew moments, they both leave the bar together to the monkeys astonishment.

A few hours pass, then the mouse enters the bar and sits down beside the monkey looking all disheveled

and breathing hard, and orders a drink.

Noticing this, the monkey ask him ;"What the hell happened? You look wrecked."

The mouse takes a long swig of his drink and replies;"Between all the kissing and love making, I must have run 10 miles."

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A good Wildsurvivor knows the lay of the land and can take you to her.

 

A Wildsurvivor thinks lite beer means you start drinking it when it starts getting light.

 

A Wildsurvivor knows at least one person who has been killed just after saying "Hey you guys watch this".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Facts to ponder:

A, The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

 

B, Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

 

C, Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

 

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

 

Now think about this: Guns:

 

A, The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)

 

B, The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

 

C, The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

 

Statistics courtesy of the FBI.

 

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

 

Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

 

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

 

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

 

Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

• Without geometry, life is pointless.

 

• Pasteurize: Too far to see.

 

• Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

 

• Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

 

• Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

 

• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

 

• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

 

• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

 

• Energizer Bunny arrested—charged with battery.

 

• A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.

 

• Practice safe eating—always use condiments.

 

• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

 

• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

 

• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.”

 

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

 

To which the driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

 

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

 

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

 

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

 

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

 

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

 

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn’t fit in.

 

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

 

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

 

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

 

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 

SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

 

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN

YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

 

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO

HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

 

 

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A

FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A

TIMER.

 

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM

ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

6. IF YOU HAV E A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE

TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE

AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

 

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

DAILY THOUGHT:

 

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING

A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×