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STRESS DIET 

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:

1 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

1 cup skim milk

 

Lunch:

Small portion lean, steamed chicken

1 cup of spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 Hershey’s Kiss

 

Afternoon tea:

The rest of the Kisses in the bag

1 tub of Hagen Daas Ice Cream with chocolate chip topping

 

Dinner:

4 bottles of wine (red or white)

2 loaves of garlic bread

1 family-size Supreme pizza

3 Snickers bars

 

Late night snack:

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

 

Diet rules:

 

1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

 

2. When drinking a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar.

 

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.

 

4. Food used for medicinal purposes does not count (for example, hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, and vodka.)

 

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you are automatically thinner by comparison.

 

6. Movie theater foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Snow Caps, and ice cream.

 

7. Cookie pieces have no calories because breaking the cookies up causes calorie leakage.

 

8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

 

9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.

 

10. Food consumed from someone else’s plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his or her plate.

 

And remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

 

 

 

 

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happy097.gif

 

 

 

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were

flying to a debate.

 

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

 

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window

and make ten people very happy.'

 

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the

window and make a hundred people very happy.'

 

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,

 

'Such big-shots back there. 

 

I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'

 

 

 

 

 

I'm voting for the Pilot

 

 

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A man requested a female blonde painter to paint him in the nude.

“No,” the talented blonde artist said. “I don"t do that sort of thing.”

 

“I’ll increase your fee two times," he said.

 

“No, no thanks.”

 

“I’ll give five times as much as you normally get.”

 

She thought about this. “Okay,” she finally said, “But you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes.”

 

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A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

“Why are all the blinds closed?” he asked the doctor.

 

“Well,” the surgeon responded, “They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.”

 

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A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers, "I can lick any man in the place!"

 

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says, "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

 

--------------------------------------

 

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table.

 

The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like.

 

The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

 

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like.

 

The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

 

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like.

 

The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

 

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

 

 

-------------------------------------------

 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

 

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

 

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

 

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A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

Why are all the blinds closed? he asked the doctor.

 

Well, the surgeon responded, They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.

 

 

 

Bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha!!  LMAO!!!

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE

HOME REMEDIES

 

 

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

 

 

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

 

 

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

 

 

 

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~

SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

 

 

 

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND

GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

 

 

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

 

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.

IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.

IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

 

 

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

 

 

 

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

 

 

DAILY THOUGHT:

 

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR

FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had  several hundred young layers (hens), called  'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.  He kept records, and any rooster not performing went  into the soup pot and was replaced.

 

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell  had a different tone, so he could tell from a  distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he  could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency  report by just listening to the bells.  John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine  specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's  bell hadn't rung at all! 

 

    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing,  but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could  run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had  his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd  sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the  next one.  John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in  the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight  sensation among the judges.

 

  The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him  the Pullet surprise as well. 

 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. 

Who else but a politician could figure out how to  win two of the most highly coveted awards on our  planet by being the best at sneaking up on the  populace and screwing them when they weren't paying  attention.

 

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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

 

'Oh,' said the man, 'Whose clock is that?'

 

 

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

 

 

'Incredible,' said the man.

 

 

'And whose clock is that one?'

 

 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

 

 

'Where's Barack Obama's clock?' asked the man. (insert any name here, George W, Hillary, etc)

 

 

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.  He's using it as a ceiling fan '

 

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You know that red states thing is funny to me because I had a buddy (now passed on) that looked and acted and sounded just like the guy with the beard.  happy097.gif

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You know that red states thing is funny to me because I had a buddy (now passed on) that looked and acted and sounded just like the guy with the beard.   happy097.gif

 

We got a guy here acts alot like him, it's Kevin's father-in-law.  Ol' Larry is quite the character!

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars".

 

"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well  the parrot knows how to use a computer".

 

The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

 

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

 

To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him 'Boss!'"

 

 

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A very religious woman went into the local pet shop to buy a parrot for company. She selected a beautiful bird, but the pet store owner said he didn't think she'd be happy with this particular parrot because he had belonged to a salty old sailor who used very bad language.

 

 

 

She replied that she knew with love and care she could break the bird of his bad habits and have a wonderful companion.

 

 

 

Well, the bird was not to be broken of his blue language and the woman had to hide him in the spare bedroom every time she had visitors.

 

 

Finally, in desperation she told the bird she was going to put him in the freezer for 10 minutes every time he used bad language. Sure enough in just a couple of minutes the bird let out a string of obcenities. She put him in the freezer with him hollering and yelling his head off. After just a minute or two it got very quiet.....feeling guilty and afraid that something bad had happened to the bird, she opened the door. 

 

 

 

Inside stood the parrot, shivering and wide-eyed.  Most pleasantly and politely he said "excuse my prior behavior, madam. I regret any dismay I may have caused you and promise never to use improper language again." Well, the woman was thrilled to hear these promises and was about to say so when the shaking bird stammered "b-by the w-way, madam, what d-did that c-ch-chicken do?"

 

 

 

 

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"Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side).

 

"Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."

 

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.

 

"He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.

 

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter! ..

 

 

"What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

 

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

 

He responded, "3 were on the beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

 

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

 

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

 

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson.

 

Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."

 

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Words of wisdom:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

Money can't buy happiness, but it makes misery easier to live with.

 

Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bad check.

 

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

 

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 

A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.

 

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A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”  About 90 students raise their hands.

 

“Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”  About 40 students raise their hands.

 

“That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”    15 students raise their hands.

 

“That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”    3 students raise their hands.

 

“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”    One student way in the back raises his hand.

 

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

 

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”

 

The student replies,” Ghost? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said 'goats.'”

 

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The first man married a woman from Georgia and told her that she was

going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the

third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 

The second man married a woman from South Carolina . He gave his wife

order s that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The

first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was

better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were

done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man married a girl from Louisiana . He told her that her duties

were to keep t he house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed

and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he

didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the

third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little

out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the

dishwasher.

 

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I notice now that Im getting older I seem to forget things.

Also now that Im older I seem to forget things.

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Verbosity

The Washington Post holds periodic word-play contests for its readers. In one contest, the rules were: take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing just one letter, and supply a new definition:

 

The winners were:

 

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

 

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

 

 

 

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The Top 12 Oxymorons of All Time

 

Unbiased journalism

Rap artist

Postal service

Jumbo shrimp

Work party

Civil litigation

Compulsory volunteerism

Anarchy rules!

Political principles

Peace force

Microsoft Works

Government organization

 

 

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