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Heard any good ones lately

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A piece of string wiggles into a bar and hops up onto the barstool. The bartender mozies over and the string orders a beer. The bartender squints his eyes, furrows his brow and says "We don't serve no strings in here, git out!" So the string jumps off the barstool and solemnly makes his way out of the bar. Defiance reels over the little string as he's on the sidewalk watching all the others enjoy their drinks IN the bar. So the string musters his emotions, and wiggles back in, jumps up on the barstool and demands a beer. The bartender hurries over with a mug of beer and is about to serve it when he notices that it's that same string. "I told you, we don't serve no strings in here, beat it!" says the bartender. The string is now mad, and hurries out of the bar. Just outside of the bar, the string, in frustration, starts pulling at his threads and twisting all around and does this repeatedly. After the string has his tantrum, he's unrecognizable, and the string goes back into the bar, determined to get a drink. The string manages his way on top of the bar stool and again, demands a beer. The bartender, hearing the order, pours the beer and lanks his way towards the string. The bartender extends the beer towards the string and pauses. A quizzical look overcomes the bartender and he rubs his chin with a doubtful grimace and says, "Hey, wait a minute (not recognizing the string), aren't you that string that was in here earlier?" The string says:

 

 

 

"Nope. Frayed knot!"

 

 

ba-dump-bum...ding!

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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

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Aha ... She was the old Dragon.  Cute one Sede.  My husband would agree.  :eyebrow:  :'(  :cry:

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A vampire bat flies into the cave with blood on his face.

 

The other bats start asking him where did he find some food.

 

He doesnt say anything.

 

The keep after him saying he should share in his fortune.

 

He finally says"did you guys see that big oak tree in the far end of the valley?"

 

The other bats say "yah we saw it"

 

The bloody bat says "WELL I FN DID'NT"  :'(

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An African elephant walks up to a water hole to get a drink.

 

The other elephants tell him to watch out for the crockadiles.

 

He says "I aint afraid on no crockadiles"

 

He starts to drink and suddenly a crockadile jumps up and bites his trunk off.

 

The other elephants start to laugh.

 

He says (Pinch your nose and say)

 

"Veywe funny" :o

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Military Wisdom I

 

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least

expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your

unit."

- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Aim towards the Enemy."

- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

- U.S. Marine Corps

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are

guaranteed to always hit the ground."

- USAF Ammo Troop

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just

bombed."

- U.S. Air Force Manual

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

- Infantry Journal

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Tracers work both ways."

- U.S. Army Ordnance

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

- Infantry Journal

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take

a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

''Try doing it with the engine running.

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After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

 

He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 

"That's me before the surgery."

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A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

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Understanding Engineers - Take One:

 

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

 

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

 

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

 

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The

Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The

Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The

Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last

one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

 

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

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The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

 

You and me

 

And there you are,

 

sitting on your ass,

 

at your computer, reading jokes.

 

Nice. Real nice

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If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following

characteristics (and I just love this part):

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to

pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and

reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply

accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut

down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times

as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by

a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to

let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed

hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all

over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF

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Taking a woman to bed

 

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

 

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

 

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

 

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

 

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed

 

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

 

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

 

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

 

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

 

 

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:woot:  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

Hey!  Why am I laughing?  I resemble those remarks!  :D

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