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Heard any good ones lately

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Andy Rooney-isms:

 

My favorite:

 

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

 

Others:

 

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

 

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

 

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

 

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

 

We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it.

 

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to

safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...

Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

 

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

 

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."

 

Not Bad

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Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

 

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

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Installing Husband 1.0

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance

-- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which

operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, Nascar 2.0 and Golf Clubs

4.1.

 

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

 

 

 

Dear Desperate:

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,

while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

 

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

 

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

 

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have

limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You

might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

 

Good Luck,

 

Tech Support

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Why Men are never Depressed

 

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

 

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life. Y our belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier.

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A Swede is drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a

typical Swedish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Swede just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Swedish baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Swedish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Swedish father takes a long swig of Aquavit, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

"We had him circumcised."

 

:whistle: :whistle:

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A Senior Moment

 

A very self-important college freshman attending a

recent football game, took it upon himself to explain

to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was

impossible for the older generation to understand

his generation.

 

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many

of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today

grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.

We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ....and," pausing

to take another drink of beer.

 

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's

litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.

Now, you arrogant little sh!t, what are you doing for the

next generation?"

 

The applause was resounding...

 

 

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Following is the list of some of the most funny country songs title.

 

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?

3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed

4. I Keep Forgetten I Forgot About You

5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling

6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal

9. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, Cause I m Kissing You Good-bye

10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin Better

12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I m Afraid She'd Win

13. I ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

14. I m So Miserable Without You, It s Like Having You Here

15. Please Bypass this Heart?

16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

17. Mama Get a Hammer ,There's a Fly On Papa's Head

18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

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A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did

you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.

'Dere's no charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.'

 

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Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," a woman said in the confessional. "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought and said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass, then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No," the priest replied, "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

 

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A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did

you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.

'Dere's no charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.'

 

 

Are you sure this is a joke?  I'm don't doubt that this actually happened!  :P

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European Heighten Threat Levels

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran

out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised

its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher

levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was

precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag

factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of

alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and

excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the

only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Wow, Swede, you managed to insult every major country around the world in a single post!  Way to go! LOLOLOL!!!

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I'M FINE

 

 

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.  Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

 

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

 

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

 

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

 

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

 

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

 

 

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other.  I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.  Den a Highway Patrolman came along.  He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him.  After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.  Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

 

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?

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Engineering Chocolate Chip Cookies:

 

Ingredients:

 

532.35 cm3 gluten

4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

4.9 cm3 refined halite

236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

 

Directions:

 

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

 

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

 

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

 

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Three engineers are walking along, a machanical engineer, an electrical engineers and a computing engineer.

The machinal engineer says God must have been one too, just look at all the joints in the human body. The electrical engineer says God must have been an electrical engineer, just look at the nervous system. The computing engineer says God must be a civil engineer, who else would put a sewer system in a pleasure zone

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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You know what the difference is between a civil engineer and a mechanical engineer?

 

A mechanical engineers build weapons to destroy targets.

 

Civil engineers build the targets.

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

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