Heard any good ones lately

[MrCoffee 0]

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." 

[Kentucky Bob 0]

There were two blondes, one on each side of a river.

 

Blonde #1 says to Blonde #2, "I'll shine the flashlight across the river, and you can cross on the beam!"

 

Blonde #2 replies, "No way!  I'll get half-way across and you'll turn the light off!"

 

----------------------------

 

How do you know a blonde has been using the computer?

 

There's white-out on the screen!

 

------------------------------

 

What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

 

Artificial intelligence!

[Bigblue 0]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's about time we started

cussing."

 

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.~ The 6 year old continues, "When

We go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with h**l and you

Say something with a**."~ The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he

wants For breakfast, he replies, "Aw, h**l Mom, I guess I'll have some

Cheerios."

 

WHACK!~ He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets

Up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,

Slapping his rear with every step.~ His Mom locks him in his room and

Shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out?"

 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a

Stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

 

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a** it won't be

Cheerios."

[Bigblue 0]

Nine words women use most...

 

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are

right and you need to shut up.

 

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,

and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing

usually end in fine.

 

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

 

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an

idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing

with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman

can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard

before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say

you're welcome.

 

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying "Go to H*ll"!

 

9.) Don't worry about it: Another dangerous statement, meaning

this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but

is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's

wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Guest taken by the wind...]

 

~ Kicked out of a bar in NYC.  (for the few who have never heard this.)  :hugegrin:

[Swede 4]

I rear ended a car this morning...

I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".

I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's when the fight started!!!

[Rockhounder 0]

Hear about the stupid terrorist who tried to blow up a car?

 

Burned his lips on the tailpipe.

[Bigblue 0]

Bushcraft Paradise

 

A typical guy, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

 

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

 

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

 

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

 

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

 

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

 

"But, where did you get the tools?"

 

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. I have a fully stocked workshop now."

 

The guy is stunned.

 

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

 

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home.

 

"Bu, bu, ...but.... the warf?? And... and the paint", he said totally bewildered?

 

"Simple", she said. "The warf I made from hand-split Palm boards. The white paint is powdered fish bones, boiled shark liver oil and Eucalyptus sap. The blue is just a dye made from boiled Beach Plum skins added to the white paint."

 

"But, the hemp for the rope, where did that come from?", the man asked.

 

"Oh that", she replied. "I started collecting seeds that had washed up along the beach soon after I got to the island and began growing them in my compost pile. A few of them turned out to be hemp so I've been able to weave quite a bit of rope."

 

Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

 

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

 

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

 

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. The two began exchanging their stories as the woman made drinks and sliced up a fruit garnish with an expertly made 144-layer damascus steel santoku knife with ray-skin handle.  She then announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

 

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. After a shave, he washes up using lye and coconut oil soap in a gravity-fed shower of collected rainwater warmed by solar energy.

 

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

 

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes ...

 

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..........." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

 

 

 

- Wait for it..........  B)

 

 

 

"........ Don't tell me you've got ESPN as well?"  :P

[Swede 4]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this

parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Bigblue 0]

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with '"Guess" on it. I said "Thyroid problem?"

 

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

 

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

 

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

 

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the I-95. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

 

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

 

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire dept.

 

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

 

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

 

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

 

You know that look women get, when they want sex? No, me neither.

 

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

 

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

 

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

 

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

 

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

 

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

 

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

 

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

 

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

 

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

 

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

 

Every man, has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

 

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

 

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

 

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

 

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

 

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

 

You've turned into your dad on the day you put aside a thin piece of wood, specifically to stir paint with.

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad.

 

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

 

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

 

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

 

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

 

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

 

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

 

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

What do you call male ballerinas?

 

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure

[Holly 0]

LOL!!!  These are great, BB! :thumbsup:

[Kentucky Bob 0]

Good stuff, BB!!  :hugegrin:

[Watcherofthewoods 0]

[Bravo 0]

History of Dancing:

Awesome

[Kentucky Bob 0]

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an

old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

 

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy

bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his

best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place

and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and

notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately

barfs up the chili into the bowl.

 

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[Holly 0]

OMG! K-Bob! :puke:

 

happy097.gif

[rabbit 0]

LOL!!!!!

[Kentucky Bob 0]

A stranger rides up a dusty street and stops in front of the saloon.  He steps down from the saddle and hitches his horse as several other cowboys seated on the porch watch.  The newcomer suddenly stoops down and picks up a fresh horse biscuit, and then proceeds to rub it all the way around his mouth!  :scared:

 

All the cowboys on the porch are agast!  8|    One of them asks, "Why the heck did you do THAT for?"  The recently arrived stranger simply answers, "Well, my lips are chapped."

 

One of the cowboys says, "And horse manure heals chapped lips?!"

 

"Nope," the stranger said, "but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em!"

[Holly 0]

:rofl:

 

K-Bob, my dad had some more eye surgery today and can't read for a week, so I called him and read him all your cowboy jokes.  He told me I didn't have to go to all that trouble anymore, he'll just wait until he can read by himself!

 

happy097.gif

 

 

[Swede 4]

What do I do all day now that Im retired?

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and

when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for

having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The

more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

 

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus. 

[Kentucky Bob 0]

What do I do all day now that Im retired?

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and

when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for

having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The

more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

 

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus.  

 

:devil:  Ahh! Evil has it's rewards.....

[Guest taken by the wind...]

Baseball versus Football

A classic from George Carlin

 

Baseball is different from any other sport; very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs.

 

In most sports the ball or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

 

Also: In football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball, and without the ball you can't score. In baseball, the ball prevents you from scoring.

 

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager; and only in baseball does the manager (or coach) wear the same clothing as the players do. If you had ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders football uniform, you would know the reason for this custom.

 

Now I've mentioned football. Baseball and football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And, as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values. And maybe how those values have changed over the last 150 years. For those reasons I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

 

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.

Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

 

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!

Football is played on a GRIDIRON, in a STADIUM, sometimes called SOLDIER FIELD or WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM.

 

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.

Football begins in the fall, when everything is dying.

 

In football you wear a helmet

In baseball you wear a cap.

 

Football is concerned with downs. "What down is it?

Baseball is concerned with ups. "Who's up? Are you up? I'm not up! He's up!"

 

In football you recieve a penalty.

In baseball you make an error.

 

In football the specialist comes in to kick.

In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

 

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting, and unnecessary roughness.

Baseball has the sacrifice.

 

Football is played in any kind of weather: Rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...can't see the game, don't know if there is a game going on; mud on the field...can't read the uniforms, can't read the yard markers, the struggle will continue!

In baseball if it rains, we don't go out to play. "I can't go out! It's raining out!"

 

Baseball has the seventh-inning stretch.

Football has the two-minute warning

 

Baseball has no time limit: "We don't know when it's gonna end!"

Football is rigidly timed, and it will end "even if we have to go to sudden death."

 

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling. Emotions may run high or low, but there's not that much unpleasantness.

In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you were perfectly capable of taking the life of a fellow human being

 

 

 

 

 

And finally, the objectives of the the two games are completely different:

 

 

 

In football, the object is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his recievers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! "I hope I'll be safe at home!"

[Kentucky Bob 0]

Well, taken, now I guess I know why I'm more of a football fan...

 

 

The Broken Mower

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf -- always something more

important to me.

 

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home

one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a

tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only aminute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the

driveway."

 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is

always right, and the other is the husband.                                                        whip.gif

 

[tsegura 0]

This could explain alot !

 

Boudreaux's secret to longevity...

Old man Boudreaux went for his doctor checkup. The doc was pleased. "Mr.

Boudreaux, you are truly in great shape for a man of 82 years! How have

you maintainted such incredible health?" asked the doc.

"Well, Doc, me and my wife we make us a deal wen we got married. When

she get mad at me she go to dat kitchen an cool off, an me I go outside

an settle down."

Boudreaux explained.

"Really? How did that help?" asked the doc.

Boudreaux replied, "I pretty much spent my life outdoors!"

[Kentucky Bob 0]

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the

boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many

young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too

concerned about it.

 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to

try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his

study table four objects: a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and - a

Playboy magazine.

 

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,

"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which

object he picks up.

 

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a

Blessing that would be!

 

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that

would be okay, too.

 

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard,

and, Lord, what a shame that would be.

 

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a

skirt-chasin' bum."

 

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as

he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy

tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he

spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect

them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He

picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He

uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this

month's Centerfold.

 

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's

gonna run for Congress!