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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.

Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they

are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going

from car to car, taking up a collection."

 

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

 

 

 

"About a gallon."

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond

  female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the

  mailbox.

 

  She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.

  A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box.

  And  again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the

  house she went.

 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out.

Again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

 

  Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

 

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

 

 

 

  My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

 

 

 

 

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Kentucky State Trooper

 

A Kentucky State Trooper pulled a car over on I 64 about 2 miles west of the Kentucky/West Virgnia state line  When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Lexington to do a show at the Shrine Circus.  He didn't want to be late  The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked  if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't  give him a ticket.  He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.   The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him  While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car a drunken good old boy from West Virgina got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door  and got in.  The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.  The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cause there's no way I can pass that test."

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Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy,

decide to go on a

 

picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The

 

trouble is that the picnic site is ten kilometers away So, it takes them

 

ten days to get there.

 

 

 

When they get there, Mick unpacks the

food and beer.

 

"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"

 

"I didn't bring it" says Roy.

 

 

"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried,

 

He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

 

Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

 

 

 

So they're stuck ten kilometers from

home without a bottle

 

opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it,

but Roy refuses

because

 

he thinks they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after

 

they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the

 

sandwiches, he finally agrees.

 

 

 

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.

 

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are

 

starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still

 

isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it

 

any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about

 

to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,

 

 

 

"I KNEW IT......I'M NOT

GOING!"

 

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

 

"What are you doing?" She asked.

 

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

 

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked .

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

 

 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

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Boudreux and Thibadeaux are out on the swamp fishing, Boudreaux looks at Thibadeaux and says " Thib this is a good spot, we need to mark it" Thibadeaux looks at Boudreaux and says " Boud i already took care of that i painted a big  "X" on the side of the boat" Boudreaux looks at Thibadeaux with a bewilderd look and says "Thib thats a stupid idea, what if we rent a different boat?"

 

happy097.gif :woot:

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A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

 

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are my pet fish."

 

"Pet fish?"

 

Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

 

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

 

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

 

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

 

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

 

"Well, what?" said the Cajun

 

"When are you going to call them back?"

 

"Call who back?"

 

"The FISH!"

 

"What fish?"

 

Folks in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but they aren't as dumb as most.

 

 

 

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      MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL!

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

 

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

 

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

 

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

 

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

 

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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I heard of a guy that got herpes in his eye.

 

He was looking for love in all the wrong places.    :yes:

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A man rides into town on Friday ; stays 3 days and leaves on Friday; how did he do that?  :unsure:

 

 

 

:dontgetit:

 

 

 

:unsure:

 

 

 

:/

 

 

 

???

 

 

 

His HORSES name is Friday  wacky078.gif :woot: :rofl: doh.gif gen140.gif

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Rick was in trouble.

 

He'd forgotten his wedding anniversary.

 

His wife was really angry.

 

She told him...

 

"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds...

 

AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

 

 

 

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

 

 

Confused, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

Opening the box, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

 

 

Rick has been missing since Friday. Pray for him.

 

 

 

 

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Rick was in trouble.

 

He'd forgotten his wedding anniversary.

 

His wife was really angry.

 

She told him...

 

"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds...

 

AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

 

 

 

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

 

 

Confused, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

Opening the box, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

 

 

Rick has been missing since Friday. Pray for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

BWHAHAHAHA!    :rofl: :woot:

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Guest taken by the wind...

~ LOL!  happy097.gif

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Rick was in trouble.

 

He'd forgotten his wedding anniversary.

 

His wife was really angry.

 

She told him...

 

"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds...

 

AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

 

 

 

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

 

 

Confused, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

Opening the box, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

 

 

Rick has been missing since Friday. Pray for him.

 

 

 

 

 

OOOooooooo!!!  :rofl:

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Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

 

Dear SURVIVOR GUY

 

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely,

 

Sheila

 

 

Dear Sheila:

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injector chamber.

 

SURVIVOR GUY

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Heres one for Bigblue>

 

Pregnancy questions and answers

 

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

 

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

 

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

 

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

 

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

 

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.

 

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

 

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

 

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

 

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

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Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.  Bubba said: 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

 

Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  ;So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical histor y and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

 

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.  Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  The doctor asked, 'Where?'

 

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

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IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD

 

 

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.

 

NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

 

 

 

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER

SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED,

 

"IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

 

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

 

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE

AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

 

 

 

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL

WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN.

 

"DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"

 

"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER

SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."

 

 

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS

PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

 

 

 

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

 

 

 

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."

 

 

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

 

 

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

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