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Heard any good ones lately

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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

 

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see Holly behind the wheel  knitting!

 

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

 

'NO!' Holly yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

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Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-style. "

 

The nine contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville ... They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . From there, they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth , and finally back to Dallas .

 

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm a Democrat" -- "I love the Dixie Chicks ,"-- "Boycott Beef,"-- "I Voted for Obama,"-- " George Strait Sucks,"-- "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm Here to Confiscate your Guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins...

 

God Bless Texas !

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California: Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a

Nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

 

1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and

Then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

 

2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200

Testing it for diseases & $500 upon relocating it.

 

3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it

For diseases.

 

4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for

Diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

 

5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services

Conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous

Animals.

 

6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote

Awareness" program for residents of the area.

 

7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle

Rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

 

8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for

Letting the Governor intervene.

 

9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

 

10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

 

Arizona: Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature

Trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

 

1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a

.45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

 

2. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

 

And that's why California is broke.

 

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Bulletin... you heard it here first!

 

 

BP no longer hiring Cajuns!

 

British Petroleum announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to help in the cleanup. Thiobodeaux, Boudreaux and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could....

 

So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.

 

 

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Tim and Mike both work in the same office.  Tim's vacation was coming up and he decided to go to Las Vegas.

 

When he told Mike of his plans, Mike said "Cool!  Hey, take this $500 dollars and see what you can do for me when

you hit Vegas!"  Tim agreed and headed off on vacation.

 

A couple of weeks later Tim returned from vacation.  During lunch Mike came to him and said, "Well, I suppose you had

a great time in Vegas, huh?  So, tell me....how'd I do?"

 

"You did GREAT", Tim replied.  "You got laid!!"

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Boudreaux won a trip to Hawaii.  He goes out to see the sights and about midday he starts to get hungry.  He goes into a local eatery and orders a poi-boy........

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Wally had a reputation for not being too fast.  He decided to change that by opening a fast food restaurant.  Unfortunately the 'truth in advertising' people made him change the name to "Crispy Burgers".

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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''

He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''

He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"

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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says...

"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that. . . I thought you were sitting on the cat.

 

Thats when the fight started.

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Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

 

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

 

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

 

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

 

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

 

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

 

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

 

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

 

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

 

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

 

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

 

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

 

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

 

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For those of you who--like me--aren't fans of vampires that "sparkle":

 

 

 

blade-twilight1.jpg

 

This has got to be my all-time favorite, K-Bob!  :woot:

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Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.

     

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave. About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

     

"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"

     

"Why, yes I did."

     

"And did you use my name?"

     

"Why, yes how did you know?"

     

"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

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