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Heard any good ones lately

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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

 

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

 

This is how it manifests:

 

I decide to water my garden.

 

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

 

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

 

As I start toward the garage,

 

I notice mail on the porch table that

 

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 

I lay my car keys on the table,

 

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

 

and notice that the can is full.

 

So, I decide to put the bills back

 

on the table and take out the garbage first.

 

But then I think,

 

since I'm going to be near the mailbox

 

when I take out the garbage anyway,

 

I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my check book off the table,

 

and see that there is only one check left.

 

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

 

so I go inside the house to my desk where

 

I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

 

I'm going to look for my checks,

 

but first I need to push the Coke aside

 

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

 

The Coke is getting warm,

 

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

 

a vase of flowers on the counter

 

catches my eye--they need water.

 

I put the Coke on the counter and

 

discover my reading glasses that

 

I've been searching for all morning.

 

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

 

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

 

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

 

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

 

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

 

I'll be looking for the remote,

 

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

 

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

 

but first I'll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers,

 

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

 

So, I set the remote back on the table,

 

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to

 

remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:

 

the car isn't washed

 

the bills aren't paid

 

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

 

the flowers don't have enough water,

 

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

 

I can't find the remote,

 

I can't find my glasses,

 

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

 

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

 

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

 

and I'm really tired.

 

 

I realize this is a serious problem,

 

and I'll try to get some help for it,

 

but first I'll check my e-mail....

 

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Don't Flirt at the Halloween Party!!

 

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.  He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he went.

 

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.  As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 

 

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.  After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat. 

 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.  She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

 

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"  He replied,  "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

 

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life. "

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Baptizing a Drunk

 

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when

 

he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

 

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps

 

into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost

 

overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the

 

drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

 

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher

 

grabs him and dunks him in the water.

 

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

 

"Brother, have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him

 

into the water again for a little longer.

 

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have

 

you found Jesus, my brother?"

 

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the

 

drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down

 

for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms

 

and legs he pulls him up.

 

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of

 

God, have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says

 

to the preacher,

 

 

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

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Rules for a Gunfight

Anonymous

 

    1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

 

    2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap - life is expensive.

 

    3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

 

    4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.

 

    5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

 

    6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

 

    7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

 

    8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

 

    9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket."

 

    10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

 

    11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

 

    12. Have a plan.

 

    13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

 

    14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

 

    15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

 

    16. Don't drop your guard.

 

    17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

 

    18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them.)

 

    19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

 

    20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

 

    21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

 

    22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

 

    23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

 

    24. Do not attend a gun fight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".

 

    25. You can't miss fast enough to win.

 

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Baptizing a Drunk

 

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when

 

he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

 

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps

 

into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost

 

overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the

 

drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

 

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher

 

grabs him and dunks him in the water.

 

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

 

"Brother, have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him

 

into the water again for a little longer.

 

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have

 

you found Jesus, my brother?"

 

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the

 

drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down

 

for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms

 

and legs he pulls him up.

 

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of

 

God, have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says

 

to the preacher,

 

 

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

 

:woot: :rofl:  I love this one! :rofl:

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

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A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical

with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

"I will need a urine sample,

a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

 

The man, being hard of hearing,

turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

 

The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away."

 

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied..

 

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" she exclaimed. "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, but if you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40. Now, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's $250."

 

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Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

 

One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

 

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times...."

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

 

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

 

 

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

 

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A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink.  While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It  rabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.  It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.   

 

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy replied, "No, what?" "He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!"   "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.  Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate, and walked out.       

 

Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his pet monkey.  He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before.  While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it.  Then he found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender was disgusted! 

 

"Did you see what your monkey did now?"  he asked.     

 

"No, what?" replied the guy.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.  The same with a peanut!"       

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. " said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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LOL!  I wish I could remember jokes.  I have to read these over the phone to my dad so I won't mess them up! :hugegrin:

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Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

 

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

 

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

 

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bull#@$%* me! "

 

The social worker said, " Yeah, well, you started it!

 

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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??"

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. 

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. 

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

 

 

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a Steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

 

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PHONES IN CHURCH

 

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working  east from there.  Going to a very large church, he began taking  photographs and making notes.  He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intriguedwith a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000  a minute."

 

Seeking out thepastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to  heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

 

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to  visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St. Louis , Chicago ,Milwaukee, and  around the United States.  He found more phones, with the same sign, and  the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in  Kentucky , upon entering a church in  Whitesburg,  Ky. , behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.   But THIS time, the sign  read "Calls: 35 cents."

 

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this  golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and  that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000  a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"   

 

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in  Kentucky now...... You're in God's Country, It's a local call."

 

American by Birth - A Kentuckian by the Grace of God !

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