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Swede

Heard any good ones lately

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Folks ... I think most of you know I am an Internet and home security

nut. I wonder if your home security matches this!!!!!

 

BECAUSE  I'M A MAN

 

 

Because I'm a man , when I lock my  keys in the car, I will fiddle with a

coat hanger long after hypothermia  has set in. Calling AAA is not an

option. I will  win.

___________________________________________________________________

Because  I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the

hood and  stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another

man shows  up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix

these  things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't

know  where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break

Wind, as a  form of holy communion.

____________________________________________________________

 

Because  I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup

and take  care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You

never get as  sick as I do, so for you, this is no  problem.

__________________________________________________________________

 

Because  I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at

the store,  like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items

like 'cumin'  or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same  thing.

__________________________________________________________________

 

Because  I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will

insist on  taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me

twice as  much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back

together.

__________________________________________________________________

 

Because  I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand

while I  watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole

show looking  for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a

calculator  instead (applies to engineers  only)

__________________________________________________________________

 

Because  I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.

The true  answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports, sex, beer or

sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't  ask.

__________________________________________________________________

 

Because  I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances are, if  you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . but if

you are feeling  amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least

remember the name and recommend it to others.

__________________________________________________________________

 

Because  I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what

you were  wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is

fine. The  dress, with the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make

your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that.

Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go  now?

___________________________________________________________________

 

Because  I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2010, I will share

equally in the  housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the

cleaning, the  vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

Like wandering around in the garage, wondering what to do.

 

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Well at least you wont have to change all that much.  :hugegrin:

 

Friends, the docs say that Swede will survive but that he'll probably always have a limp....

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Saw this in an "over 50" email about social change, thought it was cute.

 

When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

 

Steve

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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump,

you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice

and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed,

whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells,

"ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,

"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

 

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

 

__________________________________________________________

 

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

 

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

 

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 

____________________________________________________________

 

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was

wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not!" giggles the woman.

 

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

 

 

 

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7 degrees of Blonde

 

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang

at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,

listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles

from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

 

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

 

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror

and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

 

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

 

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

 

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and

buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the

door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is        really

angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is

overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

 

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

 

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

 

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of  Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

 

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

 

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US

Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what

Roe vs. Wade was about.

 

 

 

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision

George Washington had to make before he crossed the  Delaware .'

 

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and

reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,

and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde

ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then

sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come

home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do

they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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A Blonde Finally Wins

 

 

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

 

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Bacon  Tree

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after  crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I  smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

 

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

 

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

 

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't forget."

 

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a  bacon tree."

 

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

 

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

 

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...  what ees it?"

 

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

 

 

Ees

 

 

Ees

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees a ham bush....."

 

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Cleveland Woman Shot

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Dayton, OH, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

 

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

 

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

 

Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

 

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.

 

 

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The New Husband Store

There is a store that sells new husbands in New York City.

 

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

 

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. Shoppers may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but may not go back down except to exit the building!

 

So...a woman goes to the New Husband Store because she's tired of her old one.

 

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and are Very Romantic.

 

She is so tempted to stay her heart skips a beat but instead goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

The Wife Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the Husband Store's owner opened a New Wife store just across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that cook and love to make love.

 

The second floor has wives that cook, love to make love, have money, and like beer.

 

The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited

 

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Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

 

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.

 

 

Or drive the country into a ditch and find out it was Obamas fault

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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon StateTrooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. Shesaid, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper'sBall." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls.." Therewas a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, gotback in his patrol car and left.

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Swede and three other guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Mrs. Swede puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

 

Swede's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

 

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Swede sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

 

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

 

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.  She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

 

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

 

So here I am.

 

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The part that amazes me is how she managed to dial a lock smith with her nose.  :unsure: Now Im losing weight because every time she cooks food she looks at me with a funny look on her face and Im afraid to eat any of it.    :sad:

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Guest blacksmith

happy097.gif happy097.gif happy097.gif I know how that works :help:

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"Everything's fine, honey, just go to sleep, I'll be in later" you hear from the kitchen along with the sound of knives being sharpened...

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