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Heard any good ones lately

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Where do you get all these jokes and stuff?

 

Friends and family mostly, through email.  My dad sends me 90% of it, and he has it sent from all over the place.

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Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

 

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

 

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

 

"Two dogs, please," says one.

 

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

 

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

 

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

 

The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

 

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

 

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?

 

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

 

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A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody

sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee.

 

The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya???

Where ya from, boy?"

 

The guy says, "I'm from Vermont."

 

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Vermont?"

 

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

 

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a

taxidermist?"

 

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

 

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys,

he's one of us!"

 

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

 

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

 

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

 

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

 

 

 

 

DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

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One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a "battle" that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

 

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

 

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

 

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

 

 

Ok, it isn't a joke, but I thought I'd pass it along....

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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."

 

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

 

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over…"

 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

 

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by.

 

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

 

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn...third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

 

The moral of this story:

1) You don't get old being a fool! 

2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

3) Don't mess with OLD TIMERS!

 

 

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

 

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,

there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

 

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'

 

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

 

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

 

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'  The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

 

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 

MORAL:

 

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

 

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Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

 

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN 

 

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This is the law:  The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense.  The sword is more important than the shield and skill is more important than either.  The final weapon is the brain.  All else is supplemental. As John Steinbeck once said:

 

1.  Don't pick a fight with an old man.  If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

 

2.  If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. 

 

3.  I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy. 

 

4.  America is not at war.  The U.S. Military is at war.  America is at the Mall. 

 

5.  When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away. (But shoot first anyway; then call 911)

 

6.  A reporter did a human interest piece on the Texas Rangers.  The

reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him "Why do you carry a .45?"  The Ranger responded, "Because they don't make a .46." 

 

7.  An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

 

8.  An old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.  "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol.  Are you expecting trouble?"  "No, Ma'am.  If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle." 

 

9.  Beware the man who only has one gun.  HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

 

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1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

cleaning."

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next

week!"

 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the

store with me."

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "

Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have

wonderful parents like you do."

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop ! crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that

way."

 

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

 

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EVER WONDER....

 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

 

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

 

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

 

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

 

Why the man who invests all of your money is called a broker?

 

 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

 

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

 

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Dilbert's Scott Adams' Porcupine

 

 

It was like watching Satan humping a porcupine without lubrication. Horrible, yet impossible to look away.

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A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers, which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa."

 

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch & watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch & jumping at every sound.

 

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief & went home.

 

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

 

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

 

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. 

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." 

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." 

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule"." 

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" 

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you get to kick me three times ... and back and forth until someone gives up.

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger . He agreed to abide by the local custom. 

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. 

 

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. 

 

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. 

 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. 

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. 

 

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn" 

 

 

 

 

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near highway 481 in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning.

 

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub w/a tailgate feeder. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leupold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

 

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481. The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer.

 

His friend was stunned.

 

'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend.'

 

 

 

 

 

The hunter shrugged. 'Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.'

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