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Swede

Heard any good ones lately

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I love sick jokes  :woot:

 

Animals are so more loyal and friendly than humans .

I let my dog out of the cage and she came straight over to me, sat down and wagged her tail ..

I let my wife out of her cage and she tried to scratch me , bite me and spit at me.. So straight back in she went. Guess I'm going to have to order a take-away tonight ..

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THE OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

 

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED ?"

 

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID, NEVER REALLY WANTED TO".

 

A CROWD HAD  GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOES BLOWN OFF - STARTED HOPPING AROUND.

 

  EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

 

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO RETURN TO THE SALOON.

 

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND cockED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.

 

  THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

 

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD

WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S BUTT?"

 

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MA'AM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO".

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I wasn't yelling.  I copied and pasted that and caps lock was how it came in the email....

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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

 

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

 

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

 

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 

"1955, ma'am."

 

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

 

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

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There was a bit of confusion at Cabela's this morning.

 

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

 

Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the gun registry people

running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

 

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

 

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

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Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark

hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

 

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right

back."

 

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for

entrance. God says to Peter:

 

"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is

heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

 

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

 

.

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

.

.

 

"No. The Pearly Gates."

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Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark

hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

 

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right

back."

 

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for

entrance. God says to Peter:

 

"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is

heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

 

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

 

.

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

.

.

 

"No. The Pearly Gates."

happy097.gif

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Three guys show up in heaven. God asked what happened. The first guy says I came home to my wife just minding my own business and I just knew a man was in the house some where and I looked all over the place till I saw out the window and a window washer was down just one floor. I coudnt think of what to do so I dragged the refrigerator over to the window and dropped it on the guy. Just as I let go the handle caught on my belt and I fell to my death.

God asked the next man and he said I was just minding my own business washing windows and I looked up and a refrigerator was coming right at me and I fell to my death.

God asked the third man what happened to him and he said there I was just minding my own business just sitting in this refrigerator----------

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What do they call a lesbian in Alaska?

Klondyke.

 

What do they call a lesbian with long fat fingers?

Well hung.

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Country song titles:

 

"I Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond, and She Clubbed Me With a Spade"

 

"How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?"

 

"Mama Get the Hammer, There's a Fly on Papa's Head"

 

"I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You"

 

"I Would've Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell "Yuck!"

 

"My Phone Ain't Been Ringin' So I Guess It Wasn't You"

 

"They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out"

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When your sitting there and your phone isnt ringing thats me not calling.

 

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

 

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans ... all for a dollar!!"

 

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore ... they got those danged video cameras everywhere."

 

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Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

 

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans ... all for a dollar!!"

 

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore ... they got those danged video cameras everywhere."

 

Haha, that's a good one!

 

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a "double entendre", so he gave her one.

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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

 

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me

dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

 

The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

 

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ALABAMA 
FOOTBALL

 

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but 
a poor student.

 

By graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great
 football star and the students held a rally and demanded the Dean give him
a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the Dean agreed if Bubba could
answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

 

The 
one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the
 place. It was standing room only.

 

The
 Dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. With diploma in hand the Dean said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly 
I'll give you your 
diploma." 

 

Bubba said he was ready and the Dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he 
said, "How much is three times seven?"

 

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the 
question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! 
Graduate him anyway!"

 

Then 
Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said,
"I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

 

A
 hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

 

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