Jump to content
WildSurvive Forum
Swede

Heard any good ones lately

Recommended Posts

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

 

The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck

is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to

catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question,

and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and

if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

 

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees

to play the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to

the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out

a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with

three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop, searches

all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the

Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows,

all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up

the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right

back to sleep.

 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up

and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with

four?'

 

 

 

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to

sleep.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

 

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

 

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

 

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

 

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

 

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

 

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "  :woot:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;

 

 

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE

 

 

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL

 

 

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

 

 

 

 

 

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

 

 

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

 

 

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

 

 

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

 

 

 

 

 

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

 

 

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,

 

 

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

 

 

HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

 

 

 

 

 

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

 

 

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,

 

 

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

 

 

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

 

 

 

 

 

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

 

 

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

 

 

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.

 

 

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

THE RULES OF KENTUCKY ARE AS FOLLOWS:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

 

 

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

 

 

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt road." I drive a pickup

truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to

get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

 

 

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-64 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one.

 

 

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

 

 

6. So every person in Kentucky waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

 

 

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

 

 

 

8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

 

 

 

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

 

 

 

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

 

 

 

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

 

 

 

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

 

 

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

 

 

14. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

 

 

15. College and High School basketball is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

 

 

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

 

 

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

 

 

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines.

So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

 

 

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

 

 

20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you ever tried the "dog food diet?" You buy some purina dog food and fill your pockets with it and when you get hungry eat a few bites.

 

I was doing pretty good on it but I ended up in the hospital.

 

I was out in the street smelling a dogs ass and got hit by a car.    :hugegrin:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.  They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?

 

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex'.

 

'Oh I see,' replied the boy. 'Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School'

 

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

 

The dad replies, 'Those are for highschool boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

 

'Cool' says the boy.

 

He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

 

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

 

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

 

 

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

 

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies."

 

So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

 

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

 

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

 

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

 

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Boudreaux and Marie were speeding along on the Interstate 10, high rise bridge over Whisky Bay when Boudreaux saw the red-light flashing in the rearview window

 

Boudreaux pulled over as well as he could to the side of the bridge. The State Trooper walked up to the window with his clipboard in his hand.

 

He axed, "Did you know that you were going 80 miles an hour and the speed limit on this bridge is 60."

 

Boudreaux looked at the carpet of the truck for the cigarette he dropped. He said, "Nope. I was going 60."

 

The Trooper sounded fed up as he looked at his clip board and said,

 

"Nope. I clocked you at 80." The trooper looked over at Marie sitting looking out of the passenger window at the cypress trees in the water. The Trooper said,

 

"Mam, I clocked the man at 80. He said he was going 60. Now you tell me. Was he going 60 or 80?"

 

Marie said, "I never argue with Boudreaux when he's been drinking."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Pierre and Boudreaux went on a camping trip.

After supper and several beers they both laid down for the night, and went to sleep.

 

Some hours later, Boudreaux woke up and nudged Pierre.

 

Boudreaux says, "Pierre, look up at de sky and tell me whatchu see."

 

Pierre replies, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 

Boudreaux says, "What does dat tell you?"

 

Pierre ponders for a minute, den says ... "Astronomically, it tells me dat dere are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe dat Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce dat de time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see dat God is all powerful and dat we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect dat we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

 

Well, despite all of de amazing information coming from Pierre, Boudreaux is not impressed. Boudreaux asks, "Mais Pierre, but *what* does dat tell you?"

 

Pierre is silent and puzzled, and doesn't answer.

 

Boudreaux slaps Pierre across de head and says, "Pierre, you idiot. Someone has stolen our dam tent!" 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?

 

 

There's no answer, it's one of those things that make you say...hmmmm.

 

This was stolen from that comedian that uses the old grouchy guy puppet.  Can't think of his name for the life of me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little  something extra for my wife, Ursula.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be  short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to  retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two  triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But  then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it  against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was  working.. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Ursula what that  burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with  this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with  only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Chessie looking on intently (trusting  little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really  needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must  admit I thought about zapping Chessie (for a fraction of a second) and  thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give  this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some  assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses  perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and  taser in another.The directions said that a one-second burst would shock  and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause  muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst  would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out  of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the  batteries.

 

So, I'm sitting there alone, Chessie looking on with her head cocked to one  side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from  such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to  my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF  MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!

 

 

 

 

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in  through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us  both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

 

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my  eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be  found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and  tingling in my legs.

 

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a  taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from  your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that  hurt like heck!!!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at  that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed  the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the  fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with  Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

 

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

 

Here's how the scam works.  Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes.  You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

 

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

 

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

 

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young

man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes

away from him.

 

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly

toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for

staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,

that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one

condition."

 

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

 

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in

just three words."

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her

purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the

young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes &

slowly, meaningfully said...

 

 

 

 

"Clean my house."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

 

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

 

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

 

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Zen Sarcasm: 

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

 

 

 

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

 

 

 

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

 

 

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 

 

 

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

 

 

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

 

 

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

 

 

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

 

 

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

 

 

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

 

 

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 

 

 

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

 

 

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

 

 

 

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

 

 

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 

 

 

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

 

 

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

 

 

 

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

 

 

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

 

 

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

 

 

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

 

 

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Zen Sarcasm: 

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

:woot: :clap:  :rofl:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×